Choosing Each Other

Marriage is beautiful and fun but it can also be frustrating and hard. My husband and I attended a virtual marriage conference some months ago, hosted by FamilyLife Canada, and they said something so simple and true.

Relationships naturally drift apart. It takes work and commitment to keep it together and to grow.

Similarly, I’ve been reading Mindset and this is another related quote. It’s by John Gottman, a relationship researcher:

Every marriage demands an effort to keep it on the right track; there is a constant tension… between the forces that hold you together and those that can tear you apart.

This is true of the high school young love relationships, friendships, and of course long term committed ones. But especially when you’ve been in a relationship for a long time, it’s so easy to drift apart. It’s slow but then one day you look around and realize things have changed so much.

From my experience, having kids really does that to a relationship. It’s why I always tell my friends to not have kids to try and save a marriage. In fact, if a marriage is suffering, having a kid only amplifies all the existing conflicts.

But back to how it affects your marriage, having kids puts you on survival mode with your partner. Those sleepless nights and tiring days wear away at your patience and soon you end up fighting about something that used to be so trivial. As the kids grow up, you go on auto pilot as you go through the daily motions of meals, drop offs, school, extra curriculars and what not. It’s so easy to lose intimacy and become roommates because you’re just so exhausted from the day and being the peacekeeper between the fighting kids.

So, from my experience, the first step to keeping your marriage on the right track is to choose each other Every. Damn. Day. It’s making a conscious choice to invest time and effort into maintaining a relationship. It’s making time for date nights or quality time spent together. It’s openly communicating with each other when there is conflict. It’s remembering your partner is not the enemy, especially when you’re in conflict. It’s believing that you, your partner, and your relationship are capable of change and improvement. It’s choosing to grow together. It’s about supporting each other through the rough times and a million other things.

Especially now, with COVID and we’re all at home more, take care of each other.

Thanks for stopping by ❤️.

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Sticks and Stones

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Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.

If you don’t know, this is an old English nursery rhyme reminding a victim of bullying to ignore the taunts and refrain from physical retaliation.

Growing up, I heard this a lot and recently thought about it some more. It is true that words won’t be able to physically hurt me like sticks and stones do, but does the emotional hurt that it causes do more harm than sticks and stones?

It’s normal for couples, friends, family members, or anyone in any sort of relationship to have disagreements and argue every now and then. The cause could be an unpleasant action, or possible unkind words. Even if the words were not ill-intentioned, words carry a lot of meaning and I think it can hurt more than any physical object.

I have a problem. When I’m around close family and friends, I don’t think before I speak. Not that I should censor everything I say and be meticulous about it, but there are certain things that may sound funny in my head but it is the opposite in real life. Unfortunately, I think my husband takes the brunt of this, especially after my long tiring days at work. I know that I have to be more aware of what I am saying because I accidentally called him a name that he did not appreciate the other night. I never meant for it to be harmful and hurtful, I actually meant for it to be a joke, but it came out like an insult. It was my mistake and after reflecting on it, I realized I need to be much more careful about the words I choose to say.

29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29

I want my words to be encouraging, loving, and edifying. I’ve been saved by grace through faith and as per Ephesians 4:17-32, I have been renewed and given new life! It’s not that I must, but that I want to put away my old ways of speaking whatever pops into my head, and to be more careful and choice with my words. It’s not to censor myself, but it’s to help me make sure I’m saying and communicating what I’m actually intending.

How does this verse speak to you?